How to Tell Your Partner You're a Virgin

Published March 27, 2019
Nervous couple in bed

If you've led your partner to believe something to the contrary, telling them you're a virgin might feel like a stressful moment. On the other hand, if you're simply stating it for their information, it doesn't have to be a huge deal and, depending on your age and situation, might be welcome news.

Revealing Your Virginity

How you best tell your partner you're a virgin has a lot to do with your relationship and where it stands. For example, revealing it in a casual conversation on a first date will be far different from saying it while in a committed relationship because you feel intimacy is on the horizon. Unless you've lied about it in the past, telling your partner you're a virgin shouldn't feel as though you're admitting something negative about yourself.

Making It Their Business

Your status as a virgin is your own business, which you don't have to share with anyone (except your medical provider) if you don't want to. There are many possible reasons why you might want to tell your partner you're a virgin:

  • You intend to stay that way until marriage.
  • You want to be intimate but you're afraid you won't know what to do, or won't be "any good."
  • It feels like your first time is going to happen soon.
  • You want to share your sexual histories since you will likely be intimate at some point.
  • It's a part of who you are and you want to share it.

They Might Know

If you have limited sexual experience, your partner may already assume your virginity based on how you react when you're both displaying affection toward each other. Younger people or people within certain cultures may also assume virginity - if this true, telling your partner will merely be a confirmation of what they already assume. If this is the case, or if your partner seems uncomfortable talking about sexual topics, make sure you are in a one-on-one conversation and have their full attention before saying something like, "I feel like we're heading toward intimacy together at some point, so I feel comfortable telling you that I'm a virgin." Phrasing it like this puts no expectation on your partner to react a certain way - it's simply a presentation of fact.

Couple nervous in bed together

Correcting Misinformation

There are many instances where your virginity may come as a surprise to your partner, such as if you've led them to believe otherwise, or if your reputation suggests otherwise, or if you are beyond the typical age of a virgin (Americans, on average, tend to lose their virginity around age 17).

Sharing Sexual Histories

If you think your first sexual experience is going to happen soon, letting your partner know you're a virgin is not only a courtesy, but it also can open up an important discussion about previous sexual history - something that's important to know if you're going to be intimate with someone. Set time aside to have a private conversation where you bring up sexual history. "I think it's important that we talk about our past since it feels like we have a future. Can we talk about our sexual histories?" The conversation should present a natural opening where you can reveal your virginity.

When You Assume Their Virginity

Not everyone is comfortable talking about their sexual past, especially if that past is painful. For this reason, don't assume that your partner is also a virgin unless they have already told you so. If you want to ensure their comfort in the conversation, don't present virginity as something that is morally superior or preferential unless that's your true feelings. In other words, saying, "I'm so glad the two of us will lose our virginity together - I'd hate to be the only virgin in a couple," will likely compel your partner to feel ashamed and unwilling to correct your assumption.

Why It Matters

If the thought of telling your partner you're a virgin makes you uncomfortable and you would rather just skip it, consider these points:

  • It's important to share sexual history with anyone you intend to be intimate with - a talk about STDs and protection should follow close behind.
  • Some people are incredibly uncomfortable with the idea of "taking" someone's virginity and should be made aware beforehand.
  • Your first time might include some physical discomfort, so telling your partner you're a virgin might compel them to take things slow on your behalf.
Couple having a serious conversation

Responding to Questions

Your partner may have questions after you tell them - this is normal. Be prepared to respond to these types of questions honestly:

  • Why didn't you tell me before? You can respond that you didn't think it was their concern until you started to feel like intimacy might come soon.
  • Why haven't you had sex before? Your response will depend on your truth, but a simple, "I didn't want to" or "I never had the opportunity" should suffice.
  • Are you waiting for marriage or something? Answer this depending on how you truly feel.
  • Why did you lie about this before? If you led them to believe otherwise, apologize and explain your reasoning, even if that's, "It was a stupid lie."
  • So what have you done other than sex? It's up to you how much detail you want to reveal, although sexual partners should be honest about their past experiences (and possible exposure to STDs).

Talking vs. Doing

If you don't feel comfortable telling your partner about your virginity, your discomfort may be an indication that this isn't the person with whom you should lose your virginity. If you can't work up the gumption to have a serious conversation with them, should you really have such a monumental life moment with them?

How to Tell Your Partner You're a Virgin