Dealing With Sex Too Soon in a Relationship

Updated October 30, 2018
couple bonding

The best time to have sex in a relationship is when you feel ready. Doubts after having been sexually intimate with the man you like may creep in and you might second guess your decision. If you're worried you had sex too soon, the Dating Coach's advice can help you unpack your feelings.

Was It Sex Too Soon?

Dating in the 21st century may be for the purpose of companionship and someone to do things with before one gets married. Dating is about learning how to ask for what you want in a relationship and learning how to be a good partner. These are two important skills everyone needs for a committed relationship. How long you should wait to have sex depends on your feelings and relationship stage.

When Sex Happens Too Fast

Many women to feel disconnected in their sexual and emotional intimate relationships with men due to a discomfort in learning how to ask for what they need. Having sex too early is a common issue for people who are dating, along with having different expectations afterwards.

Don't Rush

Since there is a natural progression to dating, hurrying any stage can lead your partner to feel as though you are needy. Appearing needy or desperate is a definite turn off. Choosing to have sex during any stage should be based on an informed decision and your personal desire. Having sex should not be a result of feeling pressure or guilt or using sex as a vehicle for getting someone to commit to a relationship.

Sex During Each Dating Stage

Understand that relationships go through stages and deciding to be physically intimate during each stage will feel different to you. Use these stages to help you determine if you've had sex too soon.

Meeting Stage and Sex

The first stage is the "meeting or deciding" stage. Here two people meet and go through a series of interactions or dates. During these meetings, each will ask questions of each other and share information about him or herself for the purpose of deciding if there is enough chemistry to continue going out. For this reason, each person is likely to continue meeting other people as well. Having sex during this stage is purely physical. For women who were raised to believe that sex is something you engage in for the purpose of entering into a long term relationship, sex at this stage could be wrought with guilt if the dating doesn't continue.

Dating Stage and Sex

Stage two is where two people have decided that there is enough interest to continue to getting to know each other. True dating happens during this stage. although you may date others yet. Excitement about each other leads to spending increasing amounts of time together. Dating usually lasts for two to three months. Having sex during this stage is more about lust than about love making. This is because the key relationship ingredient of trust is not fully developed and you need trust between two people to make love. For women who have begun to feel an emotional connection within the relationship, sex at this stage could lead her to hurt feelings should the relationship end.

Sex in a Committed Relationship

young couple lying on bed

In stage three, each person will make the decision of whether each wants to continue the relationship. This will lead the couple to discuss the topic openly and make an agreement about continuing to date or not. Dating in this stage moves into something more predictable and is likely to be mutually exclusive. Others see you as a "couple." Trust begins to develop as two people are more willing to share intimate and personal information. Feelings of emotional vulnerability develop with the sharing of information. As a result, sex at this stage feels different as each person experiences a giving of oneself. Should the relationship end during this stage, heartbreak, grief, and loss are emotions usually experienced.

Sex for Women Later in Life

Women who have been out of the dating scene may not know how to approach sex in their new relationships. One of the benefits of being a woman over the age of 40, or even a senior citizen, is that you are entering a time in your life where you feel more compelled to ask for what you want in a career, friendships, and in life. As you begin to experience this freedom, you will feel more comfortable in your own skin. So if you really like a man and want to have sex with him, you won't second guess if it is a good decision; you'll know what the right decision is for you. Being in this time of your life can be very liberating. That is one quality that many a man finds attractive: a woman who knows herself and is confident to ask for what she wants.

What to Do if You Have Sex Too Soon

While it may be hard, you should have a conversation with the man you are currently dating if you feel like you've had sex with him too early in the relationship. Not talking to him about such an important topic as what is happening within your relationship will keep you feeling unsure of yourself and your relationship with him. This is very disempowering. Being able to talk with your date about his thoughts, feelings, and perception of the intimacy the two of you have experienced, as well as sharing your own thoughts and feelings, will be empowering for you.

Dealing With Sex Too Soon in a Relationship