Tips on Writing Rude-but-Witty Valentine Poems

Updated December 6, 2019
Couple reading funny Valentine's Day greeting card together

Rude Valentine's poems may seem counterintuitive to the holiday spirit of love, romance and affection that surrounds Valentine's Day, but for couples who are not into schmaltz, the rude poem may just be the way to go. Learn how to use alliteration, word play and humor to make a rude, witty Valentine's poem of your own.

Sending Rude Valentine's Poems

Two things to remember when it comes to writing your significant other rude Valentine's poems: be sure they share your sense of humor and avoid being so crude that you run the risk of insulting rather than amusing them. When it comes to writing poetry, free write your ideas down first and let your mind wander as you create your anti-Valentine's masterpiece.

Tips for Writing Rude Poems

Whether you want to be saucy or funny, your poem has to pack a punch. Keep in mind that your poetry doesn't need to be long and drawn out. A few powerful lines can really get your point across.

Alliteration Alleviates All

Writing a rude poem begins by understanding the audience. Are you writing to make them laugh? Are you using rudeness to cover up a discomfort with being emotional? Do you just find being rude funny? It's okay if the answers to any of those questions are yes. The easiest rude poems to write use alliteration. The first letter of every word begins with the same letter, for example, do you want to write something rude to Veronica?

Veronica, virtually virginal,
Vacillates vacations vacuously,
Vivacious Valkyrie.

By Heather Long

It's a little simplistic, but it's definitely rude. So, you can get creative with alliteration.

Funny and Slightly Dirty

For some couples, Valentine's Day has more to do with what happens in the bedroom. What better way to write a naughty Valentine's Day poem than to write it as a limerick? Try this one on your sweetie. You may get your face slapped, or you just might score.

Couple on Valentine's day

There once was a valentine so sexy,
It made my sweetie want to undress me.
So we hit the bed with speed,
And passionately did the deed,
So dirtily the police should arrest me!

By Kelly Roper

Rude, a little crude and definitely amusing. Hopefully it will be well received by your partner.

Language, Language, Language

Bad language and insults are often the root of rude poetry. Unfortunately, it's funny for many people to use the nastier connotations of the English language with which to amuse themselves. On the other hand, being rude doesn't mean you have to be nasty. Blondes, for example, get a bad rap in most jokes. So, if you want to use blonde language in your poetry, you might write to a girlfriend (or boyfriend for that matter).

Beautiful blonde, brilliant and fair,
Lovely eyes and mouth in front of all the air.
Breathe deep my love and pussy cat,
Breathe deep so your head does not go flat.

By Heather Long

Definitely rude and definitely loving, but if she doesn't appreciate your sense of humor, don't expect her to appreciate it too much.

Try Some Sarcasm

Sarcasm is only for the lover who can appreciate it, and not everyone does. Even if you and your partner share a common love of sarcastic wit, use this rude poem with caution or you could find yourself out in the cold this Valentine's day.


You're perfect in the same way the sour milk you left in the fridge
Curdled so perfectly when I poured it into my coffee this morning.

You're elegant, just like a beautiful seagull that flies overhead so
Elegantly before it bombs someone below with a load of poo from the sky.

You're a wonder, and sometimes I wonder how the two of us
Wound up together and manage to stay that way from day to day.

Sarcasm aside, I can't imagine what my life would be like without you.
I wouldn't get to see that glare in your lovely eyes as you read this poem.

By Kelly Roper

You'll have to look hard to find another love poem as sarcastic as this one. If you do, treasure it.

Worst Valentine Poem

Here's a poem that's truly awful, yet it does express the beautiful sentiment of a love that lasts forever. How can anyone object to that? If you think your partner will get that irony, this one could work.

You really are the worst,
But with love for you I'm cursed.
So until the end of time,
or at least the grave, will you be mine?

By Kelly Roper

Your were warned that one was terrible, right? Hopefully it's so bad your lover laughs at it.

Saying No

The last type of rude poem is the kind that lets you turn other people down. After all, not everyone wants to be pursued and not everyone is interested in everyone else. Perhaps you've received date offers or other offers from these guys or girls and while you've said no, they just aren't getting the message? A rude Valentine might jab the message home but be careful not to jab too hard or too painfully.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You didn't hear what I said;
I don't want to go out with you.

By Heather Long

This is simple, effective and a little rude.

Writing Cheeky Valentine's Poems

Writing a sarcastic Valentine's Day poem or rhyme is a funny way to anti-celebrate the holiday with your partner, or to turn someone down in a cheeky way. Once you have a recipient in mind, come up with a few funny versions of your Valentine's Day rhyme and think about which one will be ideally received.

Tips on Writing Rude-but-Witty Valentine Poems