Funny Retirement Poems for Coworkers and Loved Ones

Updated January 12, 2019
Happy Retirement Party

Celebrate retirement with a bang, or more importantly, a ballad. It's time to tickle your coworker or family's funny bone with fun poetry for retirement. While everyone else is simply expressing their good wishes the old-fashioned way, you could be the life of the party by reciting a funny retirement poem that still honors the retiree in a heartfelt way.

Humorous Poems for Retirement From Coworkers

There's bound to be some good-natured ribbing when you're sending off a coworker to enjoy his or her retirement years. It might be fun to deliver one of these funny retirement poems at a retirement party held at work, or you could simply include one in a congratulations card.

The Day Has Arrived

by Kelly Roper

Senior woman golfer

The day you thought you'd never see,
Has finally arrived.
And despite whatever you once believed,
Gosh darn it, you're still alive.

You managed to survive your working years
And retirement shines before you.
Your spouse can nag you full time now,
And your kids will still annoy you.

Yes, these will be your golden years
To live life as you please.
You can play golf and power walk at the mall,
At least until you give out at the knees.

You can take up painting if you like,
And spend all day painting flowers,
That is until your hand cramps up
After holding the brush for hours.

Don't worry about getting dressed every day,
You've earned the right to stay in your pajamas.
All you have to do is turn on the TV,
And watch your afternoon dramas.

Sometimes life may get a little boring,
Especially when you've no place to be.
You can take up exciting hobbies,
Like doing puzzles or watching birds sit in a tree.

Yes, retirement has its highs and lows,
But there's one thing not to be forgot.
As long as you're above ground and not below,
Retirement's the better of the lot.

Expiration Date

by Kelly Roper

With reluctance, we announce that
(Name) has reached her expiration date.
To remain here employed with us,
It's simply just too late.

She knows that we'll all miss her,
Well, at least a little bit.
For as much fun as we've had you know,
Sometimes she could be a twit.

But we jest, it's all in good fun,
And we're sure she can take a joke.
Just watch out friends in case she gets mad,
'Cause we've heard she packs quite a poke.

In all seriousness, (Name), you know we love you,
And simply want to say,
Good luck with all your future holds,
And happy retirement day!

You're Retiring Today

by Kelly Roper

Retirement party with co-workers.

You're retiring today,
And we want to wish you well.
It may seem like you still work here,
But a few signs will surely tell.

No more coffee cup rings
On sub-standard reports,
And when you're feeling surly,
We won't hear your spicy retorts.

Your cubicle will no longer emit
That oh-so-familiar smell,
Of stale coffee, vapor rub,
And day-old Taco Bell.

And when it's time for a meeting
A tear will surely come to each eye,
When you're not there to plop down in a chair,
And heave a bored and world-weary sigh.

But let's not dwell on what we're losing,
Because you're surely better off.
Have fun wasting time off the clock now,
And think of us fondly while you're goofing off.

Funny Retirement Poems From Loved Ones

Spouses, children, grandchildren, and other loved ones all have an idea of what the retiree's newfound leisure time means for them, and it's usually quite different from what that retiree expects.

Have I Got Plans for You!

by Kelly Roper

Bet you thought your working days were finished,
Now that your retirement has arrived.
I've waited years to see this day,
And my to-do list has multiplied.

All those jobs you said you'd get to,
Once you could finally stop working,
Have piled up high as a giraffe's eye,
Say, why are you sputtering and jerking?

The living room really needs painting,
And that garage isn't going to clean itself.
And I think your den is just the place,
To put up my new figurine shelf.

Let's talk about the backyard,
It has been an eyesore for years.
You should re-sod it and plant a few trees,
Hey, why are you welling up with tears?

I guess you must just be so happy,
To be starting your retirement this way.
No wasting time feeling bored and useless,
I've enough plans to keep you busy each day!

Now That You're Retired...

by Kelly Roper

senior driving

Now that you're retired,
We can spend more time together.
Why you can drive me everywhere,
Through all kinds of weather.

We can listen to the radio
When you drive me to the mall.
Drop me off at the door when it's icy,
So I don't accidentally slip and fall.

When it's raining you can drive me
To my best friend Sheri's house.
Or take me to the dry cleaner's
To pick up my favorite blouse.

When it's cold and windy, pick me up
And drive me home from school.
Just don't park too close to me and my friends,
Because they think that parents aren't cool.

When it's sunny you can drop me off
At my favorite beach.
Don't worry, I'll call you when I'm done,
So be ready and keep your phone in reach.

I can't wait for us to get started
Hanging out now that you're retired.
In fact, I'm sure there's more we can do,
You really have me inspired!

Funny Retirement Poems for Teachers

If you know a teacher that is retiring and has a light-hearted sense of humor, the following poems may be appropriate for him or her:

A Teacher's Wild Ride

by Julie Kirk

You're retiring from teaching,
So, hold your head high.
As you proudly proclaim,
That you somehow survived.

Smug attitudes, disruptions,
And homework excuses.
Fart noises, spitballs,
And gum chewing abuses.

The challenge was real,
But the rewards are true.
As you realize all that
The kids learned from you.

You can smile and be happy,
It's been quite a ride.
Never forgetting those days when
You just wanted to hide.

Still, you hope you made an impact,
You hope for the best.
But now you are ready for
Some well-deserved rest.

It's hard to believe,
That it's time to depart.
But every one of those kids
Will be forever in your heart.

Teacher Time Check

by Julie Kirk

It's a time check like no other,
When you teach for many years.
To see your past students
Sporting mustaches and beards.

It's hard to believe your students
Have now grown.
And have moved on to careers
And families of their own.

When did this happen?
There's just no way.
It seems like it was
Just flippin' yesterday.

But the final bell has rung and
The pencils are down.
You will miss each of your students,
Even the class clown.

You'll retire happy with a few
Grey hairs atop your head.
But they are there to remind you
Of all the students you led.

All those years of teaching,
It's hard to believe.
The fun and frustration,
That's so hard to leave.

But it's the last day of school and
You're exhausted and weary.
It's time to move on
Before you get teary.

It's been a long road
And at times certifiably crazy.
Now it's off to the beach
To relax, unwind and be lazy.

Keep the Humor Light With Poetry About Retirement

Remember, you're trying to honor the retiree even as you inject a little levity into the occasion. Gentle nudging is encouraged, but outright insults are not allowed. Make sure you understand the honoree's sense of humor and try to tailor your poem accordingly so everyone can laugh together.

Funny Retirement Poems for Coworkers and Loved Ones